Sunday, March 16, 2008

Dustin Diamond (2008 Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp Appearance - Episode I)

Episode I - March 13, 2008

The first episode of Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp began with two buses carrying the Fit Club contestants to a boot camp designed by drill instructor Harvey Walden. This season pits four previous contestants against four new contestants. The four previous contestants are Dustin Diamond, Tina Yothers, Toccara Jones, and Willie Aames. The new contestants are Erin Moran, Sommore, A.J. Benza, and Brian Dunkleman.

The mere fact that Diamond is appearing on this season of Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp after his obnoxious behavior on Season 5 of the show, tells me that Diamond must really be hard up for publicity and cash. During the final episode of last season, Diamond had stated, “I would rather eat a turd than come back to another Fit Camp. It doesn’t even have to be a human turd … just a turd.” For whatever reason, Diamond did decide to reappear on the show and took the bus ride to the boot camp.

Dustin Diamond looked chubby as he stepped off the bus. He had adopted a preppy look and was wearing an argyle sweater. Diamond sported an enormous “Grizzly Adams” beard that was unkempt and growing out of control. Diamond’s beard resembled that of a stereotypical Al Qaeda terrorist and was in desperate need of a trimming. As he walked past Harvey Walden, he attempted to pat Harvey on the back and was violently shoved away, much to Diamond’s surprise.

Harvey made everyone line up and answer questions about why they had come to the boot camp. Harvey said to Diamond, “Dustin freakin’ Diamond! I don’t know why you’re getting a second chance. But the question is, what are you going to do with it? … Just so we understand each other, I still don’t fucking like you!

Diamond appeared to be in disbelief at Harvey’s outburst. Diamond appeared to be shocked and scared at this moment.

Next, the new contestants competed against the old contestants in a military-style obstacle course. The picture below is of Diamond after running the course. At first glance, one might assume that Diamond did follow through on his threat to eat a turd before appearing on Celebrity Fit Club. However, the brown stains on his shirt are actually from crawling around in mud. In one section of the obstacle course, each team member had to crawl through wet mud underneath a net. When Diamond emerged on the other side of the net, Diamond was coated in the wet mud.

Another obstacle in the course was an angled log that each team member had to run up. Diamond was shown clumsily falling off the log during his turn to run up it.

Not surprisingly, Diamond’s red team lost the competition, although Tina Yothers’ glacial pace during the event was the reason for the loss. Despite Yothers’ slowness, Willie Aames was voted “Dead Weight” by his team-members and was required to carry a ton of bricks in a wheelbarrow from one side of the boot camp to the other. Diamond graciously helped Aames cart the bricks in an apparent effort to get on his teammate’s good side.

After lugging the bricks, all of the team members congregated in a mess hall where a dinner was provided. The dinner was vegan and consisted of raw food. Nobody was too pleased with the food, and Diamond explained, based on his apparent vast knowledge of fecal odors, “Have you ever smelled a vegan fart? They’re horrible.

During the next morning, everyone was awoken at 6:00 AM for some drill exercises and Harvey really got on Diamond’s case. At one point, everyone was supposed to run around a small circle, and the out-of-shape Diamond started walking. The following exchange occurred between Diamond and the angry Harvey Walden:

“Harvey: Dustin, why are you walking?
Diamond: Because I’m in pain.
Harvey: Do you think you’re the only one suffering?
Diamond: No.
Harvey: Look around Dustin. They’re running circles around you. I knew you shouldn’t have been here! Why don’t you just quit now and stop wasting both our times!”

Later on in the day, everyone gathered at a different meeting room for the first weigh-in. Diamond weighed in at 217 lbs, exactly the same weight he carried at the beginning of Season 5. During his weigh-in, Dr. Ian Smith, the show’s nutritionist, told Diamond, “Dustin, I wish I could say I’m happy you’re back. But I’ve gotta be honest with you, I’m not happy you’re back. It was a complete displeasure to work with you last season.

When Diamond blamed his rude behavior during last season on the other contestants, Stacey Kaiser, the show’s psychologist, place the blame on Diamond, saying, “You didn’t get along with the rest of the cast because you acted like an ass and so far you’re getting along with [your new team members] because you’re smiling and being complimentary and stroking people’s hair. .. Two days of kind behavior does not erase 100 days of misery.

During this exchange, Erin Moran asked whether Diamond was also nice at the beginning of last season. Erin Moran looked shocked and dismayed when informed that Diamond was the same way last season.

Finally, Harvey Walden was given a chance to critique Diamond. Harvey said,

“You’re doing the same thing you did last time. You know, you befriend them and then you’re a fucking snake in the grass. You don’t give a rat’s ass about them. … Unlike my colleagues, there is no fucking clean slate with me. If your Nazi ass was on fire, I wouldn’t even fucking piss on you. … As of right now, you can kiss my fucking yellow ass. Right now, I don’t give a rat’s ass about you… He’s so full of shit.”

Diamond’s body fat % and weight were subsequently displayed and he was shown wearing a shirt and Speedos in camouflage colors. Diamond grabbed his crotch in an apparent attempt to be funny. Shortly after this scene, the episode ended.

***Be sure to check out my other Dustin Diamond entries:
Dustin Diamond - Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp - Episode II
Dustin Diamond - Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp - Episode III
Dustin Diamond - Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp - Episode IV
Dustin Diamond - Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp - Episode V
Dustin Diamond - Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp - Episode VI
Dustin Diamond - Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp - Episode VII
Dustin Diamond - Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp - Episode VIII

Dustin Diamond - (2007 Celebrity Fit Club Appearance)
Dustin Diamond - The Early Years
Dustin Diamond (2000-Present)


Anonymous said...

The Dman rocketh! Truth & logic will rule the world.

Anonymous said...

Have you seen these videos? they would be great with your piece.

Anonymous said...

Who the hell does he think he's impressing grabbing onto his pathetic length in that weigh-in photograph?! There's barely a handful there as it is!

Anonymous said...

BOYO! I want to take a massive shit on Screech. I could just see Screech dressed as Hitler taking a big old pair of balls to the face. Yesterday I had the most amazing liquid shit and I curse god that I didn't get to spray it right in Screech's face. Hopefully he will get a turd in the mouth sometime during this show.

Great update as always, Moviefan.

Anonymous said...

With all the pooping on Screech we could call it Saved by the Smell. By the way this conversation is really dah shitz.

Anonymous said...

I think I speak for everyone when I say Diamond needs an intensive fisting from Jewvebeenframed

Anonymous said...

This piece of shit is even more pathetic than the last round. Here's to poor ol' screechy poo breaking down..Cheers!!

Anonymous said...

Will there be an episode 2 recap posted soon?

Movie Fan said...

Diamondcutter, the recap will be up by the end of the week. I'm a little behind because of the Easter holiday.